Talking Tomatoes and WereMice
by iWannaBeAnarchy
Summary: Edward is a creepy human. Bella is a melodramatic vampire. Jasper is a-mazing. Alice is a future corpse. When something very strange happens, what unlikely person will save the day? Onesided ExB and short onesided BxOC. Rated for language. Lots of it!
1. The Introduction and The Transformation

Warning: this story isn't like twilight. It involves talking tomatoes, crazy mice, and bats.

Once upon a time, there lived a young vampire called Bella. She had a wonderful family of all vampires and lived with them in a crappy little crap town named Forks. She often asked herself, why not Spoons? So one day, she decided to overtake the town and rename it Spoons, the most underappreciated of all eating utensils. Getting back on track, her family was not the most normal. There was Emmett, a 50 year old man-child, his wife, Rosalie, a pretty yet bitchy bitch. There was Carlisle, a doctor, who was great. There was Carlisle's wife, Esme, who was very nice and motherly. There was pretty Alice, who was pretty and wonderful and cute. And finally, there was Jasper, the best of them all. He was awesome and cool and smart and amazing and the best.

There were also the were-mice. They looked like normal humans most of the time, but them they turned into scary creatures that were more like rats than mice, but mice are cuter so we'll go with that. Anyway, the main were-mouse that we will be focusing on is a boy called Nikki. He was really awesome looking, loved tomatoes, had a British accent, kind of punk, kind of emo, but real happy all the time. Unfortunately for Nikki, his girlfriend was an evil, kniving ho who cheated on him a lot and used up all his money. Also, she stole his racecar bed! Poor little Nikki was always sad now. And the saddest part: he didn't even like girls! Poor little Nikki was gay!

One day, while Bella was out walking and eating a tomato, she saw a creepy looking dude. He walked up to her with a big creepy smile. "Hi, I'm Edward."

"Aaahhh don't rape me! Help! He's going to rape me! Rape police!"

"What? I'm not going to rape you! Don't you think I'm pretty!" Bella didn't hear him, as she was too busy running in circles and screaming. Giving up, Edward left.

A few days later, Edward returned. He popped out from behind a tree with a stick and was all hiyah, making Bella drop her tomato. "What the hell are you doing you tardo! Look what you did to my poor, precious tomato! It was innocent! Innocent I say! You murderer!"

"Your dad says that if you don't go out with me, you're grounded!"

"You can't make me!" With that, she turned into a bat and flew away.

When she returned home, her family was waiting for her. "Bella, what did you say to that nice boy?"

"He's hot!"

"Quiet, Rosalie. Now, answer the question Bella."

"I told him he couldn't make me go out with him and you can't either! I refuse the go out with a murderer!"

"Murderer?"

"He murdered my sweet little tomato! That tomato had hopes and dreams!"

"Bella, it was just a tomato…"

"God Jasper shut your face!"

"No one asked you Emmett! Stay out of it!" Emmett raised his fist to punch Jasper in the face, but Jasper stopped him.

"I swear to god, if you do it, I'm telling everyone about your dolls!"

"You bitch!"

The two started fighting, so the rest of the family, successfully distracted from the task at hand, moved into different rooms and went about their business.

Three days later, Bella was on a miserable date with Edward. They were at a restaurant. The waiter arrived after a few minutes in hell. "May I take your orders?"

"Tomatoes. Lots of them. And make it snappy!" One hour later, Jasper came to pick them up. A girl started looking at him in a not-very-subtly flirtatious way. She also pulled her shirt down slightly to show her cleavage. "Uhh, no thanks mam, I'm actually gay." When the three of them left, Bella and Edward confused when they saw a girl crying in a corner.

As they were on their way home, Bella started to feel a strange sensation. She felt the way she'd always imagines tomatoes would feel. She tasted tomatoes. Then, she was a tomato! Holy frick! She couldn't talk or move. When they realized Bella had disappeared, all that was left of her was her tomato. Or so they thought…


	2. Alice Is Dead Deal With It

A glass bottle shattered on the wall. "Frick you, Nikki!"

"What did I do?"

"Shut the frick up and get out of my house!"

"B- But this is my house!"

"Not any more! And I'll be keeping the racecar bed!"

"NOOO! You can have my house! You can have the stuff I got you! But take my racecar bed, and that's crossing the line-!" He didn't get to finish before she hit him with a bat. Will Nikki escape before that psycho bitch kills him? The answer: yes!

"Come out with your hands up!" "Who the frick are you!" "We're the SBPU: Sexy Bitch Protectors of the Universe. We're here to save Nikki, cuz he's a sexy bitch!" And so, the day was saved thanks to the SBPU!

* * *

Jasper walked in and set the tomato on the table. As the family gathered around it to figure out what the hell could have happened to Bella, Edward started whining and crying.

"What happened! Aah I'm so scared!"

Jasper backhanded him across the face. "Calm the frick down, bitch! Get a hold of yourself! Carlisle, assume some authority!"

Carlisle cleared his throat and everyone's attention was on him. After a few moments of silence, Rosalie raised her hand. "Yes Rosalie, what do you think?"

"I think she was probably kidnapped by magic ninjas or were-mice and is being tortured brutally as we speak! MUAHAHAHA!"

Edward looked unconvinced. "Riiiiiiiightttt. What's a were-mouse?"

Esme spoke for the first time in the whole story. "The were-mice are strange creatures with whom we vampires have a long time rivalry with, going back to the fateful day Emmett stole Nikki's iPod."

"Hey he had a shirt that said iPwn so I was jealous and since it would look gay to steal the shirt he was wearing, I just took his iPod. He had some badass music by the way."

"WAAAAAAAAA!" Everyone just looked and blinked.

"Did that tomato just scream?"

"I must run tests on it to find out just what is going on here." And so, Carlisle proceeded to experiment on the tomato/Bella, despite its protests.

* * *

Nikki was walking home. He felt great. Two weeks ago, he had finally been set free from that soulless bitch, and now he even had a new boyfriend. Things were looking up for our dear sexy Nikki. Until his boyfriend told him about a poor little tomato that was in danger. Of course, he had to go find the tomato and rescue it. He prepared himself for battle, knowing the vampires would be ready for an attack. He armed himself with a fancy sword and a cape (well, towel, but don't you judge Nikki, god damnit!), and ran off to find the vampires' lair/house.

* * *

MEANWHILE AT THE VAMPIRES' LAIR: Edward was hysterical, running around in circles, screaming and flailing his arms wildly. Rosalie and Emmett were given the task of calming him down, which proved to be no simple matter.

"OMG where's Bella Bella's gone oh no FRICK it's over game over, man, game over!"

Emmett laughed. "Did he just say 'omg'? Rose, Rose, he just said omg!"

"I know, I heard it. Now help me damnit!" As she tried to restrain him, he hit her in the face. "Oh. Fuck. No. I know you didn't just hit Rosalie Mother Frikkin Cullen. It's on now bitch!"

"Don't you call me no bitch!" They then proceeded to start pulling each others' hair and saying things like "your makeup makes you look like a tramp!" Emmett could only stare at this horrific sight.

Nikki arrived at the lair and, being polite, knocked on the front door. Alice opened it.

"Hey sexy! How can I... be of service...?" she asked suggestively.

"Umm... hi. I'm uh, here to attack you and save the tomato. So. Yeah. I'm just... gonna attack you now, if you don't mind."

He stabbed Alice and stepped over her and into the house. Of course, no one noticed him because he's a sexy ninja, and he just waltzed down the stairs to the basement. There he saw the tomato on the table, with dozens of needles through it. He was shocked by the disgusting sight and he was on the verge of throwing up. Never in his life had he seen something so horrible, well, except that one time with the vodka and the peanut butter and the glowsticks in that taxi, but still, it was so- Oh wait, haha, pin cushion. Nevermind. So _now_ he continued his search for the tomato. He found it on an identical table with almost nothing wrong with it. He picked it up and looked at it. Then he abrubtly threw it on the ground, where it was all _eww_. "That's not a tomato, what kind of sick joke is this!"

Everyone heard him say this and ran downstairs. "Nikki! What are you doing here!" Emmett yelled.

"Well I was trying to rescue a tomato, but that," he pointed to the eww, "is a vampire."

"That doesn't make any sense! Look at it! That's about as far from a vampire as anything could be!"

"Nuh-uh, watch!" Nikki magically made some plastic vampire fangs appear and threw them in the eww. "See?"

Carlisle looked annoyed, no, _pissed_. "Enough fooling around! Now, you there, explain what you mean."

Nikki sighed, and looked down at the eww. "Get up, bitch!" The eww started glowing and turned into Bella.

Edward jumped on her. "Bella! You're alive! I've never been so happy in my entire life!"

"Get the frick off me!" She pushed him down and hugged Nikki. "You saved me! I LOVE YOU!"

Nikki looked scared. "Umm I'm gay and I already have a boyfriend so yeah sorry."

"OH THAT'S OKAY! COULD YOU SIGN MY TITS!" She pulled a marker out from between her boobs and gave it to him.

He blushed. "Umm sure..."

Emmett walked over. "You know Nikki, you're actually pretty cool, so here, you can have this back."

"My iPod?" He stared at it for a moment, then jumped on Emmett. "THANK YOU! OH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!"

"Hey, isn't Alice still dead?"

"Yeah, we'll just bury her in the backyard or something."

* * *

And that's the story of Bella, Edward, sexy Nikki, and the tomato/Bellla that was later eww. The moral of the story is shut the fuck up. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Please review, I mean you already wasted your precious time reading it so what's one more minute?


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